Ps I Love you

 

All your children shall be taught by the lord, and great shall be the peace of your children.  Isaiah 54:13

These days I find myself saying ps I love you. I find myself wanting to say a lot more that than, but for now those are all the words I am able to muster.

I cannot make sense of the changes that are taking place in Cameron (my son), things are quite desperate. I feel like I’m living with a stranger and someone has crept into my home and switched bodies with my loveable son whom I once enjoyed. I do not understand what is going on, but I know that I am longing for our relationship to work- really work.

Cameron Zion, born on the 27th October 2002. My brown eyed Prince, my sweet boy, my entertainer, a young man destined for greatness. To me Cameron has one of those personalities that just moments in his presence you find yourself at peace. When Cameron enters a room, his presence depends an explanation. He is a Daniel in this generation. He carries an amazing anointing in his life. I tell him this often. An old soul, a mind that transcends beyond his earthly age.

Before Cameron was born, I had dedicated him unto the Lord. I wasn’t sure of how I were to bring up this baby alone in this world.  Despite the difficulties and challenges we have faced together over the decade. One of the things I cherished the most about being Cameron’s mummy was the bond and love we share. It was as though somehow we had been separated at birth. He was the male to my female. Like two peas in a pod, we rhythmically and succinctly walked life together in harmony. My best friend, someone whom I not only love but like. It was a revelation to me, the day I discovered I actually liked my son. Its a a rare find- I speak with so many mums who find that notion crazy. In our world it is our norm. Cameron would say to me out of the blue- ‘I like you Jewel Macauley‘.  I don’t know if he still does, like me, these days. It sure doesn’t feel like it.

Cameron, my first ministry. To me, this has always meant that the Cameron was a gift, an assignment, that God had blessed and entrusted me with. My job and my responsibility was to make sure that at every stage, and phase of his journey in this world, to honour God with his life. To train him up in the way that he should go; and when he is old, he will not depart from it. Sometimes I think that God gave me this assignment because He knew that was the only way he would get me to stay on course, the number of times I’ve fallen off track. (he has a sense of humour my Dad)

So, why do I feel like I’m messing up. Its nothing, yet its everything. For the past few months it would appear that my compliant child has become one of those children you see in these horror movies, with grunts and all. Im having to cope with attitude where everything is done with grumbling. Conversations start off as a debate and ends with silences. Its as though simply engaging with me these days is a chore, a bore and its beginning to take its toll on our relationship.

I would describe myself as a student mum. I study everything. I did not have the best up bringing, and do not understand what it takes to raise up a child. So I heavily rely upon God first and foremost, the Bible, books about raising boys, other mediums like focus on the family, to name a few. I understand that to raise a man you must first think like one. Hmmm, I can testify that women aren’t as complicated as the world make us out to be. Raising up a modern knight in this generation that is fast changing, and challenging with Christian values is not easy, but its worth it. And it is the best and only way. There is a part to play, for me I must remain watchful, and prayerful, at all times. Irrespective of how busy my days are I still find the time to play with him,(apparently men engage better with play) it works, sometimes. If I am to study him, I must make time for him. In order to have conversation that flows, its imperative that I hear him, and not just listen to him. I love to see him smile and to hear his laughter. Words fail me each time I see his smile and hear him laugh, I get this great sense of victory. I remind the devil that the curse is broken. You see the cycle does not have to follow in your children’s lives. I might’ve had my smile stolen and my  laughter silenced as a child, but each time I see  and hear Cameron, I thank God for recompense.

Everyone that knows me, understands how important my assignment is to me. This means, before all else, I seek his Father. Our heavenly daddy. I will tell you something I’ve learnt over the years about raising up Cameron with God. God is the perfect parent. He is the dad, that lets you extend grace even when you feel like strangling your child. He is the mum, that encourages you give an embrace when the last thing you want is to be in the same vicinity as the child that has gotten on your nerves for the last time. He is the grandparent, that spoils without a reason. He is the uncle, that listens to the stories, you have heard a thousand times, and would care to hear anymore. God has taught me over this decade how to be gracious,  how to forgive even when you don’t feel like it, show patience when giving up seems the easier option, and to lavish without a reason. So often time, He will interrupt my emotions, and speak to my heart to go and do the thing I would rather not do. Many seasons I have found myself at the moments where He has taught me to be humble with my son. I have learnt that saying sorry is not a sign of weakness but strength. The most important of all for me,  is when I get to say, ps I love you. This lets Cameron understand that though he was punished for bad behaviour, i.e. taking away his privileges especially when it comes to WWE. Nothing could ever take away the love I have for him.

So, back to this stranger I’m living with…HES CHANGING BEOFRE MY VERY EYES. I think back on the times in my life when this change would’ve freaked me out. But today, I rejoice, that although I am not where I would like to be (married with four children, a dog and living by the sea) I am not where I used to be. My present circumstance does to write my future possibilities. I have a greater awareness that what is happening is just another chapter in our journey as parent and child.

Be encouraged that even when you visit stages with your children  that appear to be challenging, remaining consistent by telling them you love them, will carry you through the next period of your journey together. ps. i love you is the ship that rides the stormy waters of the turbulence seasons in our journey as parent and children.